Key West, FL

Frequently Asked Questions w/ Answers

Beleive it or Don't

July, 1999

Table of Contents

  1. Key West, an Overview
    Where is Key West?
    How Big is Key West?
    What is the population of Key West?
    What is the Conch Republic?
    What is Cayo Hueso?
    What about the Polydactyl Cats?
    Why did the woman go crazy on Caroline Street?
    Is there any truth to the abduction of Marvin Gardens?
    Where the Hell can a Tourist Stay

  2. Jimmy Buffett and his activities in the Keys
    Where is Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Cafe?
    What's Margaritaville's food like?
    Does Jimmy live in the Keys?
    Did Jimmy sell his House in the Keys
    Who's Captain Tony

  3. Important Addresses and Numbers

Key West, an Overview

Where is Key West?

Key West, FL 24.5 N 82.8 W

Would you beleive:
It is a man made island that was created by the U.S Government supposedly to increase American fishing rights into the Gulf of Mexico. But some suspect the government had more sinister purposes in mind.

Key West is the end of the line when you're headin' South in the United States. It is a quiet secluded place, which is exactly the way the government intended it to remain.

Its the last island in the Florida Keys that you can drive to. It is a 159 miles from the nearest major city in the USA (Miami, FLorida) or a mere 90 miles from the the capital of Cuba, Havana. Just hop on US1 and head south until you run out of road, and you're there.

I suppose you could also fly there via Key West International Airport (EYW) that is actually the method of choice for most of Key west's inhabitants.

How Big is Key West?

Would you beleive:
No one knows the exact size of Key West. It is a government secret. This is because it was orginally developed as a secret storage area for the extra terrestrials that were being captured in the Bermuda Triangle. Over time the Government increased the size of the island through land fills, as they buried the remains of aliens and space ships along the coast. Today, the Government runs this secret program at a so called U.S. Navy base at one end of the island. Of Course most of the seaman are actually part of Project "Echo" which very little is known about.

Of course the government explains away these differences by saying:

Depends on how big or little you want it to be. Its either a 1 mi X 3 mi island, or 2x4, or 3x5. The differences vary depending on if some adjacent islands are included, such as Stock Island, Fleming Key, and Dredgers Key.

What is the population of Key West?

Would You Beleive:
The majority of the population are resident aliens, and I mean aliens, like from another planet. Key West has for the longest time been a holding pen and clearing house for Extra Terrestrials. It is the Ellis Island for ETs.

Several ETs hang around the island to help new comers adjust to life on Earth, but in actuality most tourists never see the ETs, other than the one's who are under deep cover working as plants for the Government.

The town is also populated with government operative who run the tourist shops and restaurants. The tourist trade makes Project Echo a self sustaining operation so its budget is never reviewed by congress or the senate and helps to insure the operation remains covert.

Officially the governement says:

The 1990 Census says City of Key West is 24,832. The population for the entire Keys (not all of Monroe county) is listed as 78,024. (Source: Key West Citizen -- Florida Keys Almanac, August 1994 derived from the 1990 Census).

What is the Conch Republic?

Would you beleive:
Before we can talk about the Conch Republic, we have to explain exactly what a conch is. The conch was one of the few lower life forms that migrated to the earth along with the ETs. They are from the Xeron galaxy where they are typically microscopic in size. They were accidentally transported to the earth aboard a freighter. The ship was not decontaminated properly and when the microscopic life forms were introduced to a salt water environment they grew to enormous size.

In 1982, the ETs in Key West revolted. After years of government oppression they had had enough. Their main gripe was that they could not own pets. While their was well founded scientific evidence that suggested that animal/ET cohabitation could be dangerous for life on Earth as we know it, The ETs didn't care. Finally they began to protest in public and threatened to reveal themselves for what they really were.

As the crisis worsened, the U.S. Government sent in reinforcements from Project Echo, disguised as members of the Border Patrol. The cover story was the government was trying to stem the flow of illicit drugs and illegal aliens. Of course they never really defined illegal aliens as being from another planet.

The government virtually shut the enitre island down and was contemplating a nuclear strike which would be blamed on the Cubans, when suddenly Human workers who were sympathetic to the ET also joined the cause as well as Aliens who had already migrated into mainstream America. These aleins were known as Integrated Alien Residents or IARs for short

A flag was developed to act as rallying banner for the aliens The Conch, a symbol of ET staying power was superimposed on a star burst resembling a sun along with numerous stars on a dark space blue background. The symbloism on the flag was strikiningly clear. The sun and the stars represents where the inhabitants had come from, and the Conch represented how they were now determined to stay and multiply regardless of what the U.S. Governement did.

The government, relaized that the resolve of the ETs was formidable, and that with Humans as well as IAR now also supporting the cause of the Key West Population, the government realized they would need to negotiate a new treaty. ETs were allowed pet ownership.

To insure the government would not forget its treaty, the ETs declared Key West the Conch Republic. And as part of its deal the ETs agreed to issue passports for Humans, which would be valid if the need for human space travel to other worlds ever came about due to pet ownership (see Polydactyl Cats)

What Is Cayo Hueso?

Would you beleive:
Cayo Hueso is a coffee blend found exclusively in Key West. It is a favorite among space aliens. It is made with slow roasted coffee beans that are blended with dried seaweed and conch slime. The recipe is a closely guarded secret. The fear is that Star Bucks will discover the aromatic blend and mass market this unique blend of coffee Thus destroying one of few remaining indengenous products of Key West that extra community can depend on for income, both on and off planet.

What About The Polydactyl Cats?

Would you beleive:
The cats are found all around Hemingway's old residence. Hemingway was a cat lover and his house was full of them. Hemingway was also one of the few early humans who openly fratenized with the Extra Terrestrial population. The ETs took a strong liking to his cats and would frequently pet them and feed them scraps of their on spacely diet. Shortly after these encounters, the cats started to mutate, typically growing extra toes or sometimes tails.

Third and fourth generation cats mutated even further, and began to walk upright. A fifth generation mutation actually learned how to speak and and with only minimal tutoring was able to get a perfect score on his MCAT exam.

Soon, it was realized, that because cats constantly lick themselves and the aliens would shed microscopic amounts of their outer layers when petting the cats, the cats were getting traces of the alien DNA introduced into their reproductive, immune and neurological system. This was producing a hybrid super cat that would eventually rival or even surpass humans as the most intellegent life form on earth.

This was the main reason ETs were outlawed from having pets. Any cats that had evolved beyond the polydactyl stage were destroyed several years ago. As part of the Conch Republic treaty, aliens agreed to keep a record of any cat that evolves beyond this polydactyl stage. Those that do are escorted off planet to a Cat colony on one of the moons of Jupiter. The population their is closely monitored for fear that they may some day come back a take over the world.

There is historical information that suggest that this super cat had evolved nearly four to six thousand years earlier in Egypt. It is beleived this is why the ancient Egyptians built temples and even mummified the remains of cats. Further more it is even suggested that cats built the pyramids and even invented the wheel!

Why did the woman go Crazy on Caroline Street?

In short, she didn't. Her behavior was perfectly normal for inhabitants from the planet Danz from the Xeron galaxy, especailly one who had been deprived of kuttarugg. Kutarugg is a mood enhancing drug that is used by Danzers in order to assist with their assimilation with Earth society.

Is there any truth to the abduction of Marvin Gardens?

Presently, there is no concrete evidence to support that Marvin Gardens has been abducted by aliens, yet there is quite a bit of circumstancial evidence to suggest that such an abduction did take place.

  1. Buffett claimed Marvin had been on life support in a nursing home in Sarasota in 1984. He supposedly died around that same year yet there is no record of his death in the State of Florida.
  2. Gardens had been smuggling kuttarugg, a medicinal herb used on the planet Danz (See the Woman Going Crazy) and baking it into brownies for human consumption which was against the Danz/Earth compact and was on the "Danz Most Wanted List" at the time of his disappearnce.
  3. He was assisting a woman known only as Desdamona in the construction of a rocketship.
  4. He was last seen, sailing off the coast of the Bahamas.
  5. Marvin did disappear without a trace and his influence has been missing for quite some time. The fact that Desdamona continues to use Kuttarugg as a main ingredient in her "cosmic muffins" suggests that the Danz authorities were not too concerned about its illegal consumption on Earth, so it is safe to assume they did not abduct Gardens. A claim they have stood by for over 15 years.

    However we are certain he was helping Desdamona in her rocketship construction so it is possible that he was trying to get off planet. There is also evidence that he relayed his wishes to Buffett many years earlier. We know that in 1980, Gardens won a lottery in Lousiana' skipped the country and headed for China. He once again gave the middle finger to the IRS and failed to pay taxes on his winnings. According to some sources, Gardens had pondered stealing a space shuttle and making off for another planet, as alluded to in one of Buffett's songs but there is no evidence that he ever managed to do so.

    Perhaps he just left the planet and wasn't actually abducted. Marvin was never one to stay in one place.

    Or perhaps he followed Elvis's lead and is short order cook in the Midwest.

    Today, we are left with more questions than answers regarding Marvin Gardens

    Where the Hell can a Tourist Stay

    Because of the sensitive nature of extra-terrestrial/human relations, it is difficult for the normal tourist to actually stay in Key West. Typically a few hotels or hostels will take in a few tourist every year just to make the public at large assume that Key West is tourist location for human life forms. Typically these humans will undergo an extensive background check by Project Echo before arriving. To further ensure the safety of the local alien population, Project Echo will often drug the alcoholic beverages served to unsuspecting tourists and conduct mind altering experiments which leave the unsuspecting victim with pleasant but foggy memories of their vacation while hiding any and all secret projects they may have encountered.

    Expect to pay and arm and leg (sometimes literally) for the experience.

    JB and his activities in the Keys

    Jimmy? Jimmy Buffett is a top agent working for Project Echo. He is under deep cover, posing as a singer songwriter/best selling author. His songs lyrics are carefully coded messages that he brings from town to town typically once a year, so that aliens can keep intouch with their home planet.

    Besides providing his important laison, he also uses his position to raise money to keep Project Echo in place. This money raising effort is known as SFC which stands for "Space Friends Contributions". He also runs a Space clearing station which doubles as a restaurant and souvenier shop known as Margaritaville. This is a half way house for aliens who learn earthly customs while posing as workers in the store.

    Where is Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Cafe?

    Jimmy Buffett's Margritaville Cafe & Gift Shop
    500 Duval St.
    Key West, FL 33040

    Drive down US1 until you get to Key West, turn right (staying on US1 on Roosevelt Blvd., which will eventually turn into Truman Ave. Turn right on Duval (after passing MM1). Then go about 5 blocks. The Cafe/Store will be on your left.

    What's the food like?

    for the most part they serve human food at Margaritaville. (that is food for humans, not food made of humans.) The workers are careful to insure that they do not come into direct contact with the food for fear of DNA transferral. however if you start to grow an extra finger or toe, you chould contact Project Echo, for instructios on how to reverse the process.

    Does Jimmy live in the Keys?

    Yes. He still owns a house there, but he does not always stay there. The house acts as a safe house for ETs who are seeking political asylum.

    In many ways, Jimmy is umbilically connected to the Keys. You may have heard a story about some so called "Cuban Refugees" that accidentally landed on his beach in Key West. Jimmy claims he based the song, "Everybody's Got A Cousin In Miami" on the event. In actuality the Cuban Refugees were a group of aliens who were forced to land in the Gulf of Mexico due to a sudden tropical squall. Unfortunately their landing was picked up by both the AP and UPI and news media from around the nation swamped the Keys. Jimmy and the Project Echo Taskforce had to once again drag out the same old tired story involving Cuban refugees to cover the arrival of the aliens. The need for this cover story is the primary reason that the United States has refused to "officially recognize" the government of Fidel Castro. Of course in reality, Cuba is America's closest supporter of Project Echo.

    Did Jimmy sell his House in the Keys?

    He recently moved from his old house after its location was discovered by an evil alien assassins. The old house was sold to another covert government agency who's sole purpose is to get get rid of troublesome interlopers. The house is being set up as a "Resort Spa" for a corporation to "entertain guests" In reality the interlopers will check in and then be taken care of by the hostile aliens who still assume the place to be a safe house.

    A new Safe house has since been set up and Jimmy remains the operative in charge. Jimmy had contemplated moving the safe house to Paris France, and began setting up a cover that he would be cutting a CD or performing a live concert there but it was quickly deemed unnecessay. Even though the aliens can travel from galaxy to galaxy, they have an extremely difficult time when faced with navigating a short distance on earth. So moving the safe house a mere four to eight blocks from the old location was just as effective as moving it to Paris, France, so Jimmy continues to maintain, a "residence" in Key West.

    Who's Captain Tony

    Before there was a space race between the Soviets and the US; Years before there was Alan Sheppard, there was Captain Tony. Despite the cover story, Captain Tony is the "Father of Project Echo" Unknown to most UFOologist, Cap'n Tony actually orchestrated the Area 51 cover up.

    The ship that had crashed was from another planet, but its pilot was Cap'n Tony. He was the first human to venture into outer space and actually make contact with alien beings. The US has had the capabilities for intergalatic travel for numerous years thanks mainly to the peace mission that Cap'n Tony had done several years earlier, with ETs from the Xeron galaxy. The aliens gave us information to help develop computer technology as well as methods for producing nuclear energy. They also gave us such inovations as Velcro. In return we gave them Spam.

    Today, Cap'n Tony is retired but still acts as a consultant and emmissary for Project Echo. While it is known that Captain Tony has had many human wives in his life time, little is known about his ET wives which are rumored to run into the hundreds.

    What is the Coconut Telegraph?

    The Coconut Telegraph is a coded news brief for Extra Terrestrials who have migrated from Key West. It is also a self supporting program run by Project Echo, in that it sells trinkets and t-shirt to un assuming humans.

    How do I reach the Coconut Telegraph?

    The Coconut Telegraph
    424 Fleming St.
    Key West, FL 33040
    (305) 292-8402

    5. Important Addresses and Phone Numbers

    The Key West Chamber of Commerce
    Old Mallory Square
    Key West, FL 33040
    (305) 294-2587
    (800) FLA-KEYS (maybe Key Largo, but covers all the Keys)

    The Key West Citizen (Newspaper)
    3420 Northside Dr.
    Key West, FL 33040
    (305) 294-6641

    Alien Task Force
    500 Duvall Street
    (use side entrance)
    Key West, Florida 33040
    (800) 262-6835